Musings

He is adorable. He is absolutely adorable. He has no idea that I find him as adorable as I do, or that I overuse the word “adorable” when I talk about him, but…still…he is adorable. I am just saying.

<3

yes, you are adorable. I hope you realize this.

this is why I love Einstein.

eatmyterriblepoetry:

““Everything is determined…by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for the insect as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust—we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper.””

—

Albert Einstein

(via eatmyterriblepoetry-deactivated)

For one of the first times in my life, I made the first move. It was a simple move. It was not flamboyant or impressive or awe-inspiring.

I walked over to him, rested my head on his shoulder, and asked, “Do you want to dance?”

He looked at me, maybe apologetically. “I asked someone else, actually,” he said. He looked around the room, back to me, then out at the room again. “She—you—”

“It’s fine,” I said. I didn’t watch him go. Another of my friends was standing there, getting ready to leave, so I was talking with her, saying goodbye. Interestingly enough, I wasn’t that bothered…having fun, getting ready to grab a snack before the break…

I looked up, and saw him getting a drink at the water coolers. My first thought was that he’d used another girl as an excuse not to dance with me—but I know he likes dancing with me, so that made no sense.

But then he came over. He shrugged and said, “I guess she said no and I didn’t realize it.”

I shrugged back. “Silly people.” I grinned and watched the other couples waltz.

For a while we stood there not saying anything. Then he turned and looked at me and said, “I’m going to miss you.”

I blinked at him. “What?”

“When you go to college!” he said.

I had just applied. I wouldn’t be going to college for another half a year at least. “Oh,” I replied. “I’m not going till after summer!” We were standing very close to each other. “But I’ll miss you, too,” I said, and it was something more truthful than I’d said in weeks.

And then he was hugging me and I was hugging back and resting my head on his chest, and I was warm and happy and safe. It was neither of us; it was both of us. He was there, but I leaned into him. It was the two of us and no one else, and the others danced on around us.

I’m still learning when I should open my mouth and when I shouldn’t. I really can’t tell the difference yet.

Maybe that should become a sub-New Year’s resolution? Hmmm.

I am listening to melancholy music. It might help. Maybe somewhat.

I like him, I do. I just wish I wasn’t so…dysfunctional. But there’s got to be a better word for it than thaaat.

I guess that mostly I wish I wouldn’t get so attached to things I shouldn’t get attached to. Or, I suppose I should say, people I shouldn’t get attached to. It’s too easy for me to like guys too much, and then I end up in irritating moods like this one.

It’ll turn out all right. It always does. It will again.

I resolve…

I have one resolution, and a half-resolution to follow—a footnote resolution, if you will.

My actual resolution is to write letters to people I care about and put them in books where someone might find them someday. I want to write a letter or two a month. Hopefully more than that, but we’ll see.

The footnote is that this project idea came from the awesome 52 Projects website, and I want to try and complete as many of the 52 projects as is possible.

Off to write my first letter now. Farewell! And Happy New Year!

I discovered yesterday that I submitted my Common Application essay with a giant, glaring typo in the final paragraph. I’ve been kicking myself about it for a good couple of days, but at this point the only thing I can do—short of desperately emailing my recommenders and re-submitting everything under a different application—is send letters to each college explaining my mistake. I just sent them out a half an hour ago. There’s really nothing more I can do. I’ve paid for all my applications, sent them in, and that’s the end. That’s that. If I get rejected, I’ll have a good idea why, but at this point it isn’t in my hands anymore.

Now all I can do is wait. But I don’t want to wait in misery. I don’t want to waste the next three months wringing my hands; I want to live. I want to write. I want to dance.  I want to tell my crush that I like him, because I think he likes me, and even if he doesn’t, I really have nothing to lose.

Okay, with him, I have a lot lot lot to lose. But I don’t care. More on that if he actually likes me back. This is an anonymous blog for a reason, you know!

Also, completely unrelated note, but I bought twenty Forever stamps today. But not only were they Forever stamps, they were PIXAR FOREVER STAMPS. How awesome is that? I almost don’t want to send them…

And no, I did not use them on the letters I sent to colleges. I used the ordinary liberty bell stamps for that. I thought about it, but I’m a bit immature as it is…

Yeah, that’s all for now. Today, I have affections to reveal, dances to dance, games to play. I have a life to live.

And you know what? Even if I don’t get into college, I’m happy with my life and with myself. I’m happy with who I am, and no admissions decision can change that.

(And yes, if I get rejected from all seven of my schools, I will be temporarily disappointed. But I will get over it. I will apply next year.)

Onward to my actual life! Onward to dreams! (Onward to Toy Story 2!)

Dear Colleges,

Don’t worry, I want to get in. I want want want to get in. I’m going to apply. Don’t think otherwise for even just a second.

Please let me in.

But even if you don’t, I’ll still be okay with myself. I think that’s the point. I still like who I am. I’m still the overenthusiastic kid who quotes Steven Wright without end and reads Shakespeare for fun.

We shall see, right?

Sincerely, Me.

I have days when I am melancholy. They pass. I know when I’m feeling down that things will get better, but it’s usually just a vague idea, a concept. It’s just intuition, a feeling in a far-off place.

I can sense that far-off place, but it’s just out of reach.